Log in

Back and There Again

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Monday, October 27th, 2008
1:50 pm - Turbo 1985 - 2008 RIP
Today I buried my cat. She was an outdoor cat that lived to be 23. I really loved that cat. I've been having a good cry about this for the last little while. Goodbye Turbo, you will be missed.

(8 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, March 13th, 2008
4:09 am - Burning Four Project
So, I've begun the task of writing at least every few days or so. Why you ask? Because I must. Not because I have the need to express myself, or any such things as that. It's simply a matter of practice. It just something that I must learn to do.

I've been pretty quiet for a while. Only recently have I begun to start to let this out, but I suppose the time is upon me. I'm doing something. I'm doing something that scares the living shit out of me.

Back story time. I'm leaving the gym in July of this year. It's fact. It did take me some time to truly wrap myself around that, but it is true. After things happened in my work environment that made me re-consider my position there, I decided to go and chase my dreams instead. After the freedom had set in, it didn't take my mind too long to start chasing something. This is the Burning Four Project. Burning Four is a name I came up with some number of years ago. It was my idea in the automotive field. After many versions and business models in my mind, it's come to it's actual fruition. It's a television production company, with the aim to produce a short series of pilot episodes, loosely based upon the BBC's Top Gear, but adapted to the American market. That is the short of it, anyway.

Without sounding too egotistical, the project thus far has been an overwhelming success. Even in the stages of pre production, things are falling into place on a level that could have only been considered a pipe-dream when I started working on this a few months back.

Most anyone who has known much about me knows that I've talked much, and done little. I'm putting my ass on the line this time. I'm liquidating my possessions to raise money. I'm thinking for hours daily toward what it takes to make a TV show happen from basically nothing. I'm getting lawyers, I'm meeting cinematographers, I'm re-working my mannerisms to be presentable on television, I'm writing scripts, I'm trying to hire professional race drivers, video editors, helicopter pilots, camera operators, aspiring actors and actresses, ambulance drivers, secure racing track space, secure celebrities for segments, and the list goes on. I'm taking this seriously, this is my new job. I'm basically the CEO of a TV production company.

No one can promise a venture can be successful. This is like any other. One or two bad decisions and the pooch got screwed. Happily, I'm not to worried. I'm a calculated risk-taker, and the risk versus reward on this seems pretty damn good.

Downside: I go about 20,000 to 40,000 in debt, and I come away from it with the knowledge that I tried as hard as I could. Pick up the pieces and keep stepping. Life as usual.

Upside: It takes off.

Honesty: If what is in my head can become a reality, then it's great odds that the upside will happen. Good enough for me, really.

Honesty redux: If it is to be successful, then I will need small bits of help and support from a large number of people. I guess this is where I'm starting, to have my plea heard. Everything starts somewhere. This started long ago, and has taken years to build up any amount of inertia. It's now got me, and I'm in. If you are willing to lend your time, your voice, your brain, anything... then I need you. I'm willing to compensate in some way. I'm flexible, and I'm driven. I can't promise anything except that any generosity shown to me will not be forgotten. I only hope that I've lived my life in such a way that those that have graced my life thus far will know this to be true.

If you have any interest in working on this project with me in any capacity, please feel openly welcome to contact me.

I don't really know what more to say right now. That is the state of affairs.

(8 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
1:45 am - A taste of happiness? I think so....
I feel... remarkably wonderful. No shit. Break the chains that bind you and see what your potential truly is, I guess. I'm conquering fears I didn't even know I had. Work is going exceptionally well. My last half a year at Discovery is going to be the best of them all. Absolutely no doubt about that. When I leave, I'm really going to leave no regrets behind to the best of my ability. It's kinda like a spiritual, tribal type of test for me. I'm going out into the wilderness of the world with a mission. Chase my dreams and test my manhood. It would however, be quite foolish to simply go at it without a backup plan, so while I'm out, I'm going to keep learning. I'm going to continue on as an part time athlete, full time student of the Tumbling and Tramp world. I'm going to visit lots of other gyms in my travels and gather this knowledge. This is simply fact; those who rise to the top of the game do so by learning everyone from everyone they can, then making use if it in thier own way.

I know this, if I live on to grow old and die, then it will happen here, in the Santa Fe area. I don't know when I'll come back, it could be 20 years, it could be much sooner. In all probaility, it will be. If I do come back to settle here, and really carve my own life here, on my own terms, then I'll be much more ready. If I do it as a coach, then it's going to be something that is truly mine, and I'll have to tools to do it on my own terms as well.

Whatever, I'm just happy. That is about all there is to it. I have no problems sleepling, I have no problems getting up and doing what needs to be done. Everything... is just.... better.

P.S: My decision is to leave Discovery at the end of Summer, after Tumbling and Tramp Nationals. That is right before my birthday. I will not be working at C.A.T.S. either, which is Micah and Monica's gym. I will be leaving Columbia, and doing some traveling, possibly even internationally. I'm getting rid of many of my possessions, and chasing my passions and dreams. College of life if you will. My team kids do not yet know is, as they do not need such distractions during their competitive season. They are all working very hard and I'm am for them as well. They will be left in even more capable hands after I leave, this is certain. Looking out for these kids best interest is at the top of mine. So if you could happen across this knowledge, know that is shouln't be used a gossip if you are in such a position. Do a bunch of really good kids a favor and keep your mouth shut. You'd pretty much have to be a soulless peice of shit to do so. Yep.

current mood: energetic

(8 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007
1:19 am
The road from then to now....
I don't even know where to begin, or where to end. It's been forever since I've had the courage and desire to write what I think. Much like any binge, I'm about to go on one, immerse myself in it's glorious distraction. Expressing how you feel, however you may do it, it's a liberty that should be exercised... it's really... the soul's way of breathing.

My road since my last recording has been difficult, and trying... and I'm really glad of it. Physically, I'm almost in the best shape of my life. I'm slightly over 200 lbs, my ankles and knees do not detest my every movement these days. My endurance will never be what it was. I'm a smoker after all, and quite an avid one at that. Still, however, I'm quite proud of how far I've come, and after a few months of holding where I was at and not re-gaining any weight, I'm ready to begin on round two, and to truly achieve my best physical condition of my life... before my 30th birthday. This, compared to other things I must do, is cake.

This year I will compete with my tumbling and trampoline team. I feel it's important for my coaching style to also still be an athlete, to show them I have passion for what I do. This is an integral part of my true coaching style, it's part of what drives me.

I also get to fulfill my dream of actually being a competitive athlete, not just making one. Living totally vicariously is rubbish for me, and I can't tolerate it and live with myself. Walk the walk if you talk the talk, bitches.

I'm better at competitive fighting games than I've ever been, or ever thought possible. I can now play with some of the best out there, and get a few wins... and more importantly, I can learn from them. I now understand why I'm loosing, and what it takes to win. I'm not far from the top. I also organized and carried out the most hyped event in the Guilty Gear community, with the help of many, and that's pretty fuckin' sweet personally.

I've learned much about friendships... really. They are amazing things. I appreciate people more than I ever have, and sadly, that's mostly because I lost one of my closest friends some many months ago. I've learned about my convictions, my hypocritical ways, my bigotry, and how to be a much better person, and therefore, much happier person.

"Never forget who you are." and also "Never loose sight of what you truly want to become."

My life... what I've made to be one of my most constant foundations in life... is in a sense... crumbling. Better yet, I was the catalyst that started this, and my lack of foresight in essence, caused this to happen. It's the way I've made it to blame myself in my own mind. At the very least, I"ll be driven to take action.

You see, Discovery Gymnastics is basically splitting in two. Cheer leading is going one way, Gymnastics is going the other. I'm the poor sot caught in the middle. My line of work is tumbling. This is the section that crosses between the two. It's all very complicated really, so I'm not going to bother typing out the details. To summarize, I have one of my closest friends and his wife, who I've grown to get on quite well with and really enjoy her company, starting a gym that will cater to competitive athletes. They have the same convictions I do, to offer an environment that will greatly bring the level of their sport up in this area. They are young, smart, talented, driven, adaptable, and very knowledgeable in their field. They are aiming to build what is essentially the perfect environment for me. My quintessential Mecca. A place that would keep me motivated as a coach, as an athlete. Then we have Discovery and Norm. I've been there since right out of the gate. If I have sentimental attachment, if I have roots, those are simply that. I've been at that building longer than Norm has in a way. It's my stomping ground, it's where I can go to test out new ideas, it's my home. I have a great deal of respect for that man, and that building, and that business, and that entity. I'm quite a part of it, and I could have been complacent and challenged there for most of my life.

My dramatization of this makes its feel at tho I'm trying to decide between safety and challenge, and that in a way is true. There is also the issue of doing what I know to be right, finding the balance of what is right and fair to everyone involved in both a business and a life sorta way.

Then there is the commitment to my 'kids.' That is my biggest one. I can't stand the thought of abandoning a 'child' or 'student', someone who depends on me, in any way. It's just not right, and I won't have any part of it. This is my commitment to my job, this is what I feel is the most important. This is what my parents have shown me, and I don't have my own, so I'll do the next best thing. I'll honor that value that was taught by example, and still backed up even to this day.

I appreciate and love my family now in a way I never have before. This means I'm getting older, I suppose, and that's all well and good. At some point, I have to put away some of those childish ways.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet, I really don't. I'm not worried to terribly much however, because that really won't help much of anything. I'm much better off keeping my wits and logic well about me. Keep my ears and mind and heart open. Whatever you call that greater power, I know this really is basically nothing and the world will keep moving either way, and I feel better myself knowing I'll have to keep moving or be left behind. That is reason enough to not spend too much time feeling sorry for myself.

Life is just great if you only look.

(4 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, April 11th, 2007
1:16 am - Braindump.
So the last few weeks, and mostly the last 5 days have been... amazing. Some good some bad... the highest highs, the lowest lows. I would really love to tell myself about it again... but I don't thik I can... not only and I'm pushing my envelope of physical exhaustion, but some things just can't be said publically.

Either way, my current thought, asshole or otherwise is: "All your friends will stab you in the back, but the real ones don't twist the knife after they do."

Who twists that knife over the coming months will answer alot of questions for me. It's such a vauge statement, and it is because it relates to every circle of friends I have. Some major shit will happen over the coming months, because someone will twist that knife. I don't know if it will be the gym circle, the gaming circle, the car circle, or who or when, but I know it will happen. I really hope I'm wrong about that, but someone is going to cross me in the wrong way... I hiope I handle it gracefully.

I guess I'll keep going for a while, I have alot to say right now.

Frist off, I bought a new car.. or another car. I picked up another Miata... a 1990 Model, and it's REALLY nice. I've gotten to 'drive' for the last 2 days and it's restored a part of my core being that has been supressed for a while. It feels better than wonderful. Tad = Happy about that.

I put my back against the wall to get this car too, so I've got an uphill battle coming up. I look forward to it. I seem to lack the ability to accomplish when I'm comfortable.... but under fire, I'm yet to meet a challenge I can't rise to, so... yeah, let's do this.

My 'work' circle is all fucked up right now. I'm proud of myself however, because I"m doing what I promised myself I would do, which is be honest and seek the truth of matters. I'm not nearly as judgemental now of people it seems, and that has taken alot of effort.

The bad part is that it's making me question when to use the Alpha Male side of myself. When do I drop the undersatnd and forgiveness and openness and just let someone have exactly what I feel... be that through words or physical actions.

For the first time in a very long time, recently, the thought of splattering someones brains across a wide area really enterend my mind. I got the mental image of doing just that, and for that moment in eternity, I was fine with it. It passed almost instnatly, and I took the course of action that was what I consdier correct for who I want to be, but still, for that moment, that instinct arose. I thought I had left that behind long ago, but it showed up to bite me in the ass.

I can't being to expling to anyone, even myself with words, how it feels to command a vehicle at it's limits again feels. It's so amazing. Since my last visit to the realm of the zen of driving, I've learned so much about the other side of the automobile universe. I'm a changed man, and in that respect, a new path begins.

I'm in love with things I can never have. Some of them ideas, some of the ideals, some of them people, but still, I think I'm a person who just wants what is always out of my reach... I know I can never get it, so I'm never satisfied. I never quit trying tho... I guess that means I don't know how to be happy. It could be analyized many different ways... but at the end of every day, it's my cross to bear, and that's what I do, and I'm glad that it's no one's fault but my own.

I love my competitive teams at the gym. Both the cheerleads and the tumblers. My kids are about to go and rock the shit out of the state meet. I forsee ownage... a small gym from nowhere is about to destroy some bitches, and man, those are my kids, and wow that feels good. Now for the cheerleaders, I can't say... I'm failaing as a coach, but I haven't lost faith in them... Ok, some yeah, I don't have any faith in... but I never did. However some still amaze me on a weekly basis. They compete this weekend, and if there is such a thing and luck, then I hope it's with them... because they didn't train to win with pure skill. They could have tho, that's the bitch of it. Well, my work there is done, so now it's time to see what happens and then make a plan to improve on the next go-round.

I love the video-game geek side of my life. Some of the people I"ve met are really amazing people. I know that for people to get to the level I have, or higher, it takes a special type of mentallity that I'm just attracted to. These people have brains that work in ways that I can identity with. The shame of it is that people that aren't a part of that world just don't see what I can see in these people. To get good enough to play at my level or higher means that you have talent and you have developed it, and you has a reason behind those actions. It's really alot of work and intelligence to play games at this level, and just about anyone who is on that level I feel a bond with. It's hard to explain.

I think I've recently left behind a part of me that bends the truth for my own benefit. Mainly because I realized that anything I got from twisting another was nothing of value. What I seek is far beyond where I'm at now... and the friends I have... well, I love some of them, I care about most of them, but I'm not waiting on them either. I'm walking my path, and that's that. If in my search for truth and being truthful drives you away from me, then I'm sorry. I'd love for all of you to still be near me as I walk down this path, but if those paths diverge, then please go the way you are meant to go, because I"m not altering my path for you. I hope that split can be amicable, I love for us to meet again one day, but if it can't, I'm not going to watse any time lamenting the loss, because it's simply a matter of me walking down my true path. I don't hold it against you, so don't hold it against me.

I dont know what else to say, really, I've ran my brain out for the time being, and my bed is calling. Fuck a spell checker, I don't have the enegry left.

My best to everyone who has graced my life,

(4 comments | comment on this)

Monday, January 1st, 2007
12:00 pm - First thoughts of the year.
I don't know how to say what I want to say. I don't think there is a way.

This was an interesting year. They all have been, really. Time does pass, and I do physically age, much to my chagrin. I may grow old, but I don't want to grow up. Right now, I still don't plan to.

I'm sure part of it has to do with how I was treated in my school years. The rejection of being a geek, especailly at a country school of 500 kids, K-12. Part of it had to do with the path I took after high school, and how I dealt with my anger and social rejection. Part of it has to do with the fact that I'm constantly in contact with high school age people, and mostly girls, and many of my friends are younger.

I'm no longer angry. I used the rejection from high school to fuel me to be a fucking force to be reconed with in whatever I did. I was driven to achieve, to prove all those motherfuckers wrong. I got really good at lots of shit, poured my soul into it.

Did I show them? Nope... they didn't give a fuck. My bad. All I got for it was a bunch of skill, and a side effect...... a huge ego. Huge. Not good, not good at all. Too bad I've thought for years it was a good thing. More on that later.

Then, when I was about 21 or so, I actually tried to love. I gave my heart to someone. It ended badly, and I folded. It took me a year to get over it, or so I thought. I was over her in a year, but the damage was much deeper than I ever knew, until recently. I kept trying, but I was growing colder and colder, more of a jaded asshole. I refused to let emotion talk hold of me. I was forcing myself to become somewhat of a self-styled logical and composed machine. I thought I had the answer. I kept ignoring and pushing back my feelings. I would care about people. I would sacrifice myself for some of my closer friends. I would try to be unwaivering support. To prove a point... that you could be strong and caring and helpful, without truly caring, or being empathetic.

I was wrong.

I was very wrong.

At least for me, I'm wrong. For the past 4 or 5 months, i've been trying my hardest to start to break the ego down, and realize that I"m not the shit. I've been trying to see the value in everyone, and feel thier pain as well. How foolish of me to think I was the only one who had ever felt true pain.

What I'm finding now is that behind trying to feel as others feel, there is also alot a good emotions out there, and that I've been missing what is actually and wonderful side of life.

Now here I am thinking back of time passed and time to come. Thinking on the fact that what I do isn't what defines me.The most difficult thing for me to understand and then accept is now knowing that just because I'm one of the best or really good at most everything I do dosen't make me better than the next person.

I still have issues, naturally. I think everyone always will, but I'm learning. I would like to specifically thank a few people (or groups of people) who have been key is this change.

My brother and father in their own ways for helping me start this journey.

Nick for being my good friend, yet my opposite for so long. He has been an example of excellence in being in touch with his emotions and facing them, even when it's been very hard for him.

Micah, Sara, Trina, Nate, Swick, Fraley, Casizzi, Nick again, and a few others whose names should be protected, for really trying to listen, and try to help me understand what I was grasping for. They could have just as easily ignored me.

And while names are unimportant, there is someone else who has been intregal in all of this. Thru our interactions I'm beginning to learn to truly value all the wondeful friendships I have, and showing me that it's really good to care about someone for the simple reason that you do care, not because 'there is something in it for me." Thank you.

I can't say what the future holds. I don't even really think it matters. It's a bright and wonderful one, I'd say.

(6 comments | comment on this)

Friday, December 15th, 2006
10:47 am - My one Meme per year, because, well, it fucking makes me laff.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, alphakami sent to me...
Twelve mechanics tumbling
Eleven muscles winning
Ten clerks a-cheerleading
Nine backflips breakdancing
Eight titties a-smoking
Seven cars a-stunting
Six gymnastics a-driving
Five co-o-o-orolla gts
Four video games
Three high speeds
Two mountain passes
...and a manga in a honesty.
Get your own Twelve Days:

(1 comment | comment on this)

Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
9:51 am - Dealing with failure
Tough subject. This time, it turns out to be rather simple. For the last 9 years of my coaching career, i've been wrong about higher level tricks. From basically layout's and onward, especially when it comes to fulls, double fulls, double backs, etc... form isn't the issue I thought it was. I was giving form far too much credit. In recent years, and espically recent months, I've been teaching much higher level tricks on a more regular basis, and with marginal results. Sure, those that did learn by my method were some of the cleanest I've seen, but at point does time versus progression become less of an issue? I've been judging every skill on the basis of olympic artistic women's gymnastics. Power tumblers, and tumblers in general do totally different shit than gymnasts do. How many gymnasts tumble out of double fulls and backs? Not fucking many.

Basically, I've been able to assertain the most important parts of technique and be able to mix that with a simpler method. How many cheerleaders need an olympic level double full? None. Because a power tumblers double full is MORE THAN sufficient for cheerleading. It's so good it's just as badass as Carly Patterson's.

After such a lull in my learning curve, It's starting all over again. I'm so in love/lust with my job. I'm really starting to climb to a new plateau, and it's all thanks to having my competitive power tumblers and cheerleaders to work with. And Nick, tho the man needs little of my help anymore. Heh, student and master roll switching place a bit.

But basic shit like Round-off and Backhandsprings and such. Yeah, I've been dead on about that. If the foundation is strong, the big tricks will come.

I need more beer.

(comment on this)

Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
11:00 am
I finally did a little video on YouTube. Been thinking of doing this for a while, but well, now is the time. It's me flipping at the gym. Hee hee, fun.


Things are normal at home in the span of a day, things just work themselves out I guess. I'll be ready for this next time, I hope. ^_^ Yay.

(6 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
10:31 am - I can see the scars of a year ago clearly.
One year ago, right now, I was in the ER after being a passenger to someone trying to show off. That wreck could have killed us both, but he was almost totally unharmed, and I walked away. All I got was half of the windown in my right arm, in many tiny peices, and the left half of my head numb and split open. Not bad, considering.

I remember 2 years ago, as well, as 3, and 4 and 5.

I'd had this journal for quite a while now. over 5 years. The passage of time is an amazing thing. At times I bitched about cars. Other times it was Erika. Other times I talked random funny shit to amuse the people on my friends list and try to feel accepted. I recorded my life for my own validation, and for the validation from others.

I would talk about all these grand plans and change and shit. Am I a person of my written word? No.

Have I significantly changed. Hell yes.

I've done alot of bad things in my life. Fucked married women, tore up shit for no reason, passed judgement on people and the masses, acted selfishly, toyed with the emotions of others, and lots of other things that I don't care for the world to know anymore.

I've done alot of good things in my life. Helped build self-esteem in many a young child and adolecent, used my hard learned skills and knowledge to help others, sacrificed many dollars and things I wanted to spend them on just to help someone else out in a situation more dire than myself, or even just to see them smile, built a few damn wonderful friendships, and that's not even to mention all of my personal betterments in the skills I value so highly.

I've wasted alot of time in my life as well, or by wasted I mean spent my time on things that were not the least bit deserving of my time.

I'm jaded now, I'm emotionally fucked, mostly from my own design. But I have hope. I have faith.

What i've come to realize recently is that everone is pre-disposed to being weak. Doing what they shouldn't do. Mostly when it comes to terms of relationships and fucking who they shouldn't... but really, on a general whole, we are ALL pre-disposed towards weakness. I think the Christian religion likes to think of it as the pull of the Devil.

I also realize that in most all of us is a power... a great strength. To do good and be good. In general to realize that the world does not revolve around them and seek something greater. To overcome their weakness and truly shine, personally, but in a humble way. I think the Christian religion likes to think of this idea as God.

I preach "Don't be weak" It's behind most everything that I do. Driving, Gaming, Flipping, and personally in the way I interact with people.

How hypocritical of me when I am still so weak about so many things.

I try to walk a path of constant self improvement. The problem with this is that somewhere along the path, I ended up thinking I was right, and my way is the only way. I bascially KNOW I'm right for ME, but recently, over the last few months, I've been learning to accept, and doing very well with realizing my was isn't right way for everyone. It may be, and all I can do is offer my experiences up and dispense my advise the best I can when asked to do so.

Here is the specific part that all that pre-babble was about. I have encountered something that I don't know what the right thing to do is. When faced with a situation of a close friend feeling emotional pain after my help or advise was asked for, and subsequently ignored, what should I do? Contine to support the weak person or distance myself from them? You don't fuck people with STD's without running the risk of catching one, so why run the risk of letting thier stupidity (most certainly NOT ignorance, I'm infinately more tolerant and can sympathize with that.) drag me down. I really don't know what to do here. Never have, and it bothers me now that I'm trying to be a better person to all other persons, not just myself.

There comes a point where it's truly stupid of me to let them borrow my strength any longer, or they will suck me dry. I can't find that line to draw. My life is a fairly logical one, but logic dosen't apply here.

I'm starting to look forward to growing older. Life has never ceased to be wonderfully interesting, not even for a month of my life. I have nothing to complain about.

current mood: happy

(4 comments | comment on this)

Friday, October 27th, 2006
10:17 am
Last night on my commute home, I was hauling ass down the backroads as per usual. I almost hit 2 racoons. This wouldn't normally be funny or memorable, except they were fucking in the middle of the road. I guess if you gotta tap dat ass, you gotta.

(4 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
7:40 am - The end of Silmeria. Another peak in the circle of life.
About 5 1/2 years ago, I played the first Valkyrie Profile. I've been playing games in a very hardcore fashion for about 20 years at that point. I'd played many many great games, ones that I loved dearly, and that really changed my perspective for a while... like a great movie does, but even more so... some of those I played growing up were Ulitma IV and V on the Apple //c, Dragon Warrior 4 (I played all of them) Finaly Fantasy X was very good. I think 2/4 and 3/6 were the shining gems tho.

When I played profile, I lived in Westfield. All I did for about 2 weeks was play that game and go to work and sleep a little. Really. I'd play the fucker for 12 hours a day for about 2 weeks straight. I loved everything about it, and like other things in life, it was the standard by which all others were judged. Nothing would ever be better.

2 weeks ago, the sequel to Profile came out... VP2: Slimeria. I'd been excited about this game for about a year now. I just finished it.... after... hrmm. 2 weeks. Funny how that works. I didn't play this game nearly as much as the first. Only about 80 hours. I haven't done the bonus sutff or seen nearly all the game has to offer. It was amazing. The story was fucking spectacular. Just about everything was the creme de la creme, so to speak. I'm very happy to have completed this game tho..... because I think it's really over. No, it wasn't as good as the first... I don't think a game will ever replace how much that game means to me. Hell, I have a tattoo from that game, but that's another story entirely. As I get older, I still cling to many things from my youth. Many of my childish ways. I regret NOTHING. I know that I'm mostly living my life in a way that makes me very happy. And now to continue with life as we all continue... in the prusuit of our own happiness. Now to go and continue my journies, because with like so many games I've become temporarily obsessed with and it has entranced me for days on end, I've finished them, and thus I'm liberated for a while. This one is even bigger than most. I haven't felt like this in years, so quiet outwardly, so content, so full of positive thoughts and emotions. I'll apply them for a while, hopefully a long while, but the circle of life will bring me down and back up again and again most likely. Everytime I make a trip thru that ciricle, I have things like these moments and many others to remind me that life truly is a good and amazing thing. Things like good video games, with good friends. Yes... many good friends who I share my time and thoughs with. Many cars to drive, techniques to refine. Flips to do, and people to help do filps. True happiness in my experince is a fleeting thing. You can hold it only breifly, but it leaves a lasting impression. I've felt it quite a few times. If I get to be happy, why can't everyone?

As someone who I consider very wise for his farily young age said to me recently; "Tad, Everyone has value." Yes... yes, he's right. They sure do.

(8 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, September 10th, 2006
11:18 pm
Watching men's gymnastics on TV today. I don't know what was more shocking, the fact that I actually watched TV or the shit this guy did. Front handspring, front layout, front DOUBLE full, punch to Rudy, reversal back layout full. Now since few of you know what that shit means, or why it's so fucking impressive, let me draw a little drunken parallel....

Drifting in a Model T, from the passengers seat, steering with your cock.

Doing a half-kilo of cocaine, in one day, and living to tell about it.

Being white and geeky, going to Harlem, asking everyone you meet if they are a Pre-Owned Americian, and not having your balls yanked out thru your mouth.

Going to any anime convention and having everyone smell nice and be socailly well adjusted.

So yeah, I was fucking impressed.

What else? The cheer squad impressed me tonight. A little less that 2 month to competition, and they are starting to take shit seriously. 2 people got their Roundoff-Backhandsprings toinght, and they worked their asses off. Got me motivated, so after practice, I flipped around a bit, did some breakdancing, and just had some fun.

Went an diagnosed a Honda S2000 today. Chad, who says they don't break? I think the dealership didn't fill the rear diff properly and it sheared something in the diff, mabye the ring and pinion gear or something. Towing it to the dearlship tomorrow and gonna try to make them fix it. A diff on a fairly well cared for S2000 with 50,000 miles shouldn't be breaking. Hell, I've never broken and rear end, and I've broken just about everying you can break on a car.

Can't wait to finish up my little project car so I can start travelling all over the East coast visiting old friends and just roadtripping the hell out it.

More beer, then sleep.

(5 comments | comment on this)

Friday, September 1st, 2006
4:31 am - It's much better to face these things with a sense of poise and rationality.
Hrmm, what to write?

Having alot of fun with Guilty Gear. Always do.

Job is pretty damn good, as usual.

I have a garage/shop now. It's rather nice. Kinda small, but clean and comfortable. My (well one) AE86 is over there right now. One of the many I picked up is a rather nice GT-S Hatch. I'mma go thru it, clean it up, do some basic performance upgrades and use it as my daily.

I have a few websties now. One for the gym, one for guilty gear crew, and one for my car related shit. Do I do anything else? Not really.

I must be slightly fucked in the head about the opposite sex. No, I'm not 'coming out of the closet' I'm not even in it secretly, trust me. I guess during my life, some wiring may have been crossed up or something. I just don't desire a companion. Someone to love and hold and blah blah blah. Sure, I like getting laid. I do occasionally, like most folk. I just don't get why so many people take such a beating for a 'significant other' I mean, WTF, mate?

I see people do shit that is basically self torment for two things mainly. Love and Religion. I do that shit, but I do it for myself, to serve my own ends.

Don't get me wrong. I think love and marrige are fine, if you find someone it works with.

One girl I know was hanging out with myself and a few friends of mine last night. She was all fucking worried about making sure her cellular leash was right on her. "Oh he gets mad blah blah fuckity shit" Why subject yourself to that? Is his cock that great that the sexual pleasure is worth it? I mean, what else could it be because it's apparently not built on trust and friendship if he's gotta control you.

I could go on siting examples, but anyone reading this has seen it, or is subjecting yourself to it.

The older I get, the more I see the wisdom in what my father told me. You have to learn to be happy with yourself. I'm getting there.

Other than that, I'm just enjoying things right now. Many of my friends think I work to hard or too much, but it's just how I like living. Mabye I work too hard for them, but I can go anywhere anytime bascially because I don't have a 'companion' to consider. It's just how I like it I guess.... and if you like putting yourself thru what I consider pointless torment of chasing cock/tail, then I guess I'm entitled to put myself thru the pointless torment of working my ass off with my projects.

Whatever you do, I just hope you enjoy it. I know I do!

(17 comments | comment on this)

Friday, August 11th, 2006
2:12 am
I thought I'd write, I thought I'd let you know;
In the years since you've been gone, I've finally let you go.

So much to write, I guess.

Life has substantially changed. I have a roommate now. Swick lives with me. I have built a very powerful new computer (well, I didn't build it, I paid for it... Swick built it.)

So much work has been accomplished lately. Alot of house cleaning and such. If you've never been here, you couln't appriciate what that means.

I got my insurance settlement. I'm basically financially stable now. I own a 2000 Explorer XLS 4WD with towing capabilites. Paid for. I own 6 AE86's, a MR2, and Miata, and a few other things... and I have money in my checking account, plus over 5G in savings.

Job at the gym is great. I was almost at the point of burnout last month. I hated everything to do with flipping and cheerleading and shit... but I took my first vacation ever, in 10 years. It's all good again. Things are great there as well.

I posted about a year ago about how i was retiring from fighting games. Nope. I lied. I'm more comptitive now than ever. Guilty Gear Slash. I've gone to 4 or 5 tournies this year, going to one this Saturday, one next month in ATL.

Started a few websited.

DiscoveryGym.com - umm.. the gym's website
BurningFour.com - for my car/driving endeavours, not done yet
TenKaiGear.com - For the TN/KY guilty gear scene.

I'm busy as well, but basically happy.

I'll actually be online again, now that I have a PC that works again. I've lost touch with many people, but many havne't been to far from my thoughts.

Oh yeah, Nick and myself in our.. umm.. cosplay Masterpeice. I'll never top this. A bike wreck and other injuries... well, I can't do this shit anymore.


As someone who has become a very great friend of mine in the last year says... or rather lives by "Life is Good."

(16 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
2:56 am
It's rare at best for me to update because I saw something cool, but that just happened.

Watchin' a movie. Date Movie to be exact. Alternate/Deleted scenes. Scene where Allyson Hannigan (who is absolutely gorgeous) is doing this dance scene. Well, in the stupidly deleted part, she does some BADASS breakin' and flippin' and shit like that. Anyway, her stunt double does this fuckin' sweet move I've never seen or thought of but it's not too hard to do. She did a heel stretch. and held it while doing and landing a one arm cartwheel. It's brillant.

... Ok, so not to hard compred to Windmills to Halos to Heanspins to Flairs to Helicoptors to 1990s... That's some hard shit.

Anyway, I'm pretty fucked up so imma get some sleep.

(4 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, May 18th, 2006
2:41 am
Guess it's time to type.

So, what do I do? I don't really know, to tell you the honest to god truth. Life if a blur. I've been in the middle of the largest personal shit storm of my adult life, and I guess I like it. I'm always busy. Yes, playing Guilty Gear Slash counts as busy, as well.

There are 3 competitive teams at my gym now. I have my own power tumbling team. Mine. Period. I'm the head fucking coach. You know how long I've wanted to do this shit? Umm... 5 years I think. It's been going for about 3 months now. My kids suck. Even my 20 year old kid sucks.... but they are getting better. Every week, they get better. I'm teaching shit from Round-off backhandsprings thru full in doubles. (That's a double back filp with one full twist during the first of the two flips... that's pretty fucking big.) It's great. I love it. The cheer squads future is still unforseeable. I think in about 4 to 5 years, it'll be incredible, we will be a badass squad, but that will take time. I have faith. The gym is actually stressful now. I work 6 days a week and have my hands in damn near 40 percent of all business done. I'm career now, I'd say.

Money is tough, thanks to the shit-storm I put myself in. There is a way to manange my money, I just haven't quite naild it out yet.

This friday, I'm buying my 7th AE86. It's another GT-S, in good shape, for less that 500. I will currently own 5 of em. Why god, why? I have a plan.

Life just isn't boring. Ever. Not for me anyway.

I play Guilty Gear Slash on a very competitive level. I guess I didn't actually retire from fighting games. I dont' think it'll happen. I just love it too much.

Life is just different from everyone. I just accept it as it comes more often than not. It's what works for me, so I do it... for now. Who cares? I don't really, Imma just keep on livin' I can remember being 7, and 17, and now 27. That means that 37 will be next week, and 47 will be next month, then I'll be dead sometime after that probably. I doubt I'll make it to 60. Whatever. I enjoyed my time here, and I'll just keep on doing that. Who knows if I'll bother to write it here many more times. I know what I did today, and I no longer need to validate myself by writing it down if any form, for myself to read or others. I know what I did today, and I know it had meaning to me. As will tomorrow. My best to everyone who reads this... I hope you are all well, and enjoyed what you did today. Many happy returns.

(4 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
12:06 am
I just deleted a long entry. It had little point. I'm alive, I'm working around 70 hrs a week between the gym, cars and personal shit, and flooring. I had surgery on my arm today to remove some glass that was still in there. I'm happy. I've made a few large mistakes recently and i'm living with the consequenses. This I vow, I will never again be involved in the purchase of anyone's car. I"m not bitter about it or anything, but if stupid impossible odds can happen then thay happen to me. Well, I'm alive and well.

(6 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
10:36 am
AE86 GT-S is broken down, about to go see if I can get the fucker running.

Bought ANOTHER AE86 this week. 86 SR5 Coupe, 200 bucks. Runs well. Jesus. I'm just gonna flip this one for profit.

Getting ready for Final Round 9. GGXX Reload is my main game, mos'def.

Seen alot of friends lately, horray for that.

I want four chicken wings, fried HARD and shit.

(4 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
3:31 am - Thinking.
I just finished Initial D, 4th Stage.

Of couse, I'm gonna be thinking alot. About me, mostly. It was about 4 years ago that I got my first AE86. I've owned 5 of 'em since then. I currently own 3.

It's like something that was said in Good Will Hunting... it's not if the person if perfect, it's if they are perfect for you. That's the only thing I can compare it too. My love of this car has no logical explination. None. They are old, slow by todays standards... nothing really special... but I continue to grow with this car. year after year, without fail, I get better.

Hell, the reason I should dump the 86 and move on are numerous. The fucking prices are so inflated now it makes it difficult at best to obtain parts. Any car you find now, if worn to peices, but I just can't quit. It's my passion, I suppose. Even tho I will be getting either a WRX or another Miata in a few months, I'll still be clinging to my AE86 project.

I've learned something new tonight. I've driven that chassis for a long time now. I was driving against a far superior car tonight, with a driver who's base level techniques are roughly equal to my own. I overstepped my car's limits twice tonight.... and I didn't leave the road. I'm mentally clinging to that... that all the practice and time dosen't make me a faster driver, it just puts me in a greater level of control. I'm fallable. I fuck up. Often, actually. But the ability to recover or semi-recover from a fuck up is what I feel seperates me. Oh well, I'm happy.

job at the gym is going great, overall.

Side work is going well. Major progress on my friend's MR2 project.

I've been socializing with female lately. That's quite nice.

Street Fighter is another story entirely. I'm back in competitive mode, whether I like it or not. Fraley is no longer my mark, but my partner, my brother in arms. I could write paragraphs on that shit, but I guess I just need to go and learn the basics all over again.

Life if pretty good. Ups and downs, yo, but I'm pretty happy overall. Peace!

(6 comments | comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page