Tad Griggs (alphakami) wrote,
Tad Griggs

I can see the scars of a year ago clearly.

One year ago, right now, I was in the ER after being a passenger to someone trying to show off. That wreck could have killed us both, but he was almost totally unharmed, and I walked away. All I got was half of the windown in my right arm, in many tiny peices, and the left half of my head numb and split open. Not bad, considering.

I remember 2 years ago, as well, as 3, and 4 and 5.

I'd had this journal for quite a while now. over 5 years. The passage of time is an amazing thing. At times I bitched about cars. Other times it was Erika. Other times I talked random funny shit to amuse the people on my friends list and try to feel accepted. I recorded my life for my own validation, and for the validation from others.

I would talk about all these grand plans and change and shit. Am I a person of my written word? No.

Have I significantly changed. Hell yes.

I've done alot of bad things in my life. Fucked married women, tore up shit for no reason, passed judgement on people and the masses, acted selfishly, toyed with the emotions of others, and lots of other things that I don't care for the world to know anymore.

I've done alot of good things in my life. Helped build self-esteem in many a young child and adolecent, used my hard learned skills and knowledge to help others, sacrificed many dollars and things I wanted to spend them on just to help someone else out in a situation more dire than myself, or even just to see them smile, built a few damn wonderful friendships, and that's not even to mention all of my personal betterments in the skills I value so highly.

I've wasted alot of time in my life as well, or by wasted I mean spent my time on things that were not the least bit deserving of my time.

I'm jaded now, I'm emotionally fucked, mostly from my own design. But I have hope. I have faith.

What i've come to realize recently is that everone is pre-disposed to being weak. Doing what they shouldn't do. Mostly when it comes to terms of relationships and fucking who they shouldn't... but really, on a general whole, we are ALL pre-disposed towards weakness. I think the Christian religion likes to think of it as the pull of the Devil.

I also realize that in most all of us is a power... a great strength. To do good and be good. In general to realize that the world does not revolve around them and seek something greater. To overcome their weakness and truly shine, personally, but in a humble way. I think the Christian religion likes to think of this idea as God.

I preach "Don't be weak" It's behind most everything that I do. Driving, Gaming, Flipping, and personally in the way I interact with people.

How hypocritical of me when I am still so weak about so many things.

I try to walk a path of constant self improvement. The problem with this is that somewhere along the path, I ended up thinking I was right, and my way is the only way. I bascially KNOW I'm right for ME, but recently, over the last few months, I've been learning to accept, and doing very well with realizing my was isn't right way for everyone. It may be, and all I can do is offer my experiences up and dispense my advise the best I can when asked to do so.

Here is the specific part that all that pre-babble was about. I have encountered something that I don't know what the right thing to do is. When faced with a situation of a close friend feeling emotional pain after my help or advise was asked for, and subsequently ignored, what should I do? Contine to support the weak person or distance myself from them? You don't fuck people with STD's without running the risk of catching one, so why run the risk of letting thier stupidity (most certainly NOT ignorance, I'm infinately more tolerant and can sympathize with that.) drag me down. I really don't know what to do here. Never have, and it bothers me now that I'm trying to be a better person to all other persons, not just myself.

There comes a point where it's truly stupid of me to let them borrow my strength any longer, or they will suck me dry. I can't find that line to draw. My life is a fairly logical one, but logic dosen't apply here.

I'm starting to look forward to growing older. Life has never ceased to be wonderfully interesting, not even for a month of my life. I have nothing to complain about.
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