Tad Griggs (alphakami) wrote,
Tad Griggs
alphakami

First thoughts of the year.

I don't know how to say what I want to say. I don't think there is a way.

This was an interesting year. They all have been, really. Time does pass, and I do physically age, much to my chagrin. I may grow old, but I don't want to grow up. Right now, I still don't plan to.

I'm sure part of it has to do with how I was treated in my school years. The rejection of being a geek, especailly at a country school of 500 kids, K-12. Part of it had to do with the path I took after high school, and how I dealt with my anger and social rejection. Part of it has to do with the fact that I'm constantly in contact with high school age people, and mostly girls, and many of my friends are younger.

I'm no longer angry. I used the rejection from high school to fuel me to be a fucking force to be reconed with in whatever I did. I was driven to achieve, to prove all those motherfuckers wrong. I got really good at lots of shit, poured my soul into it.

Did I show them? Nope... they didn't give a fuck. My bad. All I got for it was a bunch of skill, and a side effect...... a huge ego. Huge. Not good, not good at all. Too bad I've thought for years it was a good thing. More on that later.

Then, when I was about 21 or so, I actually tried to love. I gave my heart to someone. It ended badly, and I folded. It took me a year to get over it, or so I thought. I was over her in a year, but the damage was much deeper than I ever knew, until recently. I kept trying, but I was growing colder and colder, more of a jaded asshole. I refused to let emotion talk hold of me. I was forcing myself to become somewhat of a self-styled logical and composed machine. I thought I had the answer. I kept ignoring and pushing back my feelings. I would care about people. I would sacrifice myself for some of my closer friends. I would try to be unwaivering support. To prove a point... that you could be strong and caring and helpful, without truly caring, or being empathetic.

I was wrong.

I was very wrong.

At least for me, I'm wrong. For the past 4 or 5 months, i've been trying my hardest to start to break the ego down, and realize that I"m not the shit. I've been trying to see the value in everyone, and feel thier pain as well. How foolish of me to think I was the only one who had ever felt true pain.

What I'm finding now is that behind trying to feel as others feel, there is also alot a good emotions out there, and that I've been missing what is actually and wonderful side of life.

Now here I am thinking back of time passed and time to come. Thinking on the fact that what I do isn't what defines me.The most difficult thing for me to understand and then accept is now knowing that just because I'm one of the best or really good at most everything I do dosen't make me better than the next person.

I still have issues, naturally. I think everyone always will, but I'm learning. I would like to specifically thank a few people (or groups of people) who have been key is this change.

My brother and father in their own ways for helping me start this journey.

Nick for being my good friend, yet my opposite for so long. He has been an example of excellence in being in touch with his emotions and facing them, even when it's been very hard for him.

Micah, Sara, Trina, Nate, Swick, Fraley, Casizzi, Nick again, and a few others whose names should be protected, for really trying to listen, and try to help me understand what I was grasping for. They could have just as easily ignored me.

And while names are unimportant, there is someone else who has been intregal in all of this. Thru our interactions I'm beginning to learn to truly value all the wondeful friendships I have, and showing me that it's really good to care about someone for the simple reason that you do care, not because 'there is something in it for me." Thank you.

I can't say what the future holds. I don't even really think it matters. It's a bright and wonderful one, I'd say.
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